Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
