I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I didn't notice because vodka
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
