I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
