Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Randomize
