Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
