He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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