I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
