Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
