going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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