How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
