I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
