I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
