You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
