I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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