im gay
i know
yea but for you.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
