What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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