Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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