1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
