we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
