Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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