What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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