The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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