That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you win again, gameday.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
