my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
