I wish I could teleport
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize