Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
