Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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