I can text with my tongue
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So much rum. So many feels.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Randomize
