can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
