just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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