She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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