I will die if light touches me.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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