Swine flu. Run for my life!
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
