ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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