Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
