you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
