Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
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