i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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