Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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