my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
How does one acquire holy water?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize