I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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