There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize