you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
