Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize