I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
