I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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