Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
birth control should be required to get into college
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
