I wish I could teleport
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
