Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize