mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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