You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
