my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
