you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
