K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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