he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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