I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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