i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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