i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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