Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
